‘Twas the night before Christmas and on down the hall,
they were living it up - they were having a ball.
Santa was hung from the chimney without care,
in hopes that Rudolph soon would be there.

The creative team over at NStorm have been keeping us entertained with Christmas follies since they introduced Elf Bowling in November, 1999. Never heard of Elf Bowling you say? Oh, you’ve missed out!

Yes, it’s getting closer to Christmas. Long gone are the days of simple wants and desires. Where once a rocking horse or “fia-twuck” were the big hits, now it’s Xbox 360 and games, cell phones, iPods, and the like.

The holiday rush is upon us. Obnoxious and rude shoppers, crazy lunatic drivers, screaming children. Ah yes, the sounds of the season in northern New Jersey. What would it be without all of the aforementioned?

The Sunday before Thanksgiving, my son (who’s now 15) and I erected our 7-1/2 foot (artificial) tree - same as we’ve done for the past 3 years. After spending 5 hours on illumination, it was ready for the overabundance of ornamental decoration. A jug of eggnog and a tin of Danish butter cookies later, we stood back to survey our work. Yes, indeed - it was resplendent - a fine work of art.

Monday afternoon, we departed for a week-long vacation to middle Tennessee for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was a nice visit, marred only by my son’s migraine episode late in the week - wherein he lost the contents of his stomach in a local gas station parking lot. Saturday morning, we got up bright and early for the long journey back home - a 13-1/2 hour drive.

At 9:25 PM Saturday night, we arrive - finally. Walked in the house, brought in all the luggage and tried to unwind before hitting the beds. I dug out the new ornaments we had picked up in Tennessee and added them to the tree. Standing back, I noticed the tree was leaning slightly - (probably from all of the decorations it was loaded down with), and went to straighten it back up. “Crack” is what I heard - and a not so easy feeling started creeping over me. I called my son to come help - we determined the stand that originally came with the tree was falling apart.

My son, the genius, tells me he’ll hold the tree up while I go out and get a new stand. Oh - did I mention? it’s now 10:15PM on a Saturday night. Thinking okay, it’s a holiday shopping weekend, stores surely will still be open this late - so I headed off to Homey D (umm, Home Depot) for a stand. They were closed. Up the street from them was Lowe’s - also closed. At Lowe’s, they were just closing up - and despite my dilemma and pleas, I left with no stand.

Knowing my son is probably cussing me out at home, I drove to a neighboring town to try my luck. CVS is open 24-hours - I’ll give them a try. After 10 minutes of trying to come up with solutions, I walk out empty-handed. I resign myself to the prospect of my tree/ornaments ending up destroyed, and head back towards the house. Ah - the A&P is still open - surely they have something. Nope, no stands - but they have other trees. I ask if they can just sell me the stand off the display tree - but in the end, I pay $70.00 for a tree just for the stand.

I’ve been gone for a total of forty-five minutes. I arrive back home and am in the process of carrying the newly purchased tree up the steps when my cell phone begins playing a distinct ring associated with my house phone. Knowing my son had both hands on the tree when I left, as well as knowing there wasn’t a phone anywhere near him - that sinking feeling starts to creep back in again. I was almost home! I’d almost made it.

I walk in the door and see the tree slumped over the couch and ornaments all over the place, and my son - ever so carefully - removing more. He tells me he started taking off fragile ornaments and placed them on the couch and in a box so they wouldn’t get broken - then he gently laid the tree down on the side of the couch. I was pretty amazed that he came up with that on his own!

Between him and I, we remove the damaged stand, and replace it with the stand from the new tree I just bought. Success! Well, pretty much successful. The replacement tree was 6-1/2 feet - and the stand was designed to properly hold a 6-1/2 foot tree, not a 7-1/2. We go ahead and remove all the ornaments from the tree just in case it collapses in the middle of the night. I decided that, in the morning, I would go out and find the proper stand.

I get up Sunday morning to find the tree did - in fact - fare well through the night. I have two issues with the stand - 1) I paid $70 for it; and 2) I don’t have that nice fuzzy feeling that, once fully loaded, it’s going to hold the tree up safely. I go down to Treasure Island - a store where they have an extensive Xmas section, and find the perfect stand - designed specifically for artificial trees - and the cost is under $20. I tell them they’re my heroes, and proceed home. After assembling the stand, I place the tree down in it. Guess what, it doesn’t fit! Bastards! My tree, being approximately 4 years old now, isn’t ‘tapered’ at the bottom - and won’t work in the stand. I even tried to put a dowel in to anchor it, but that didn’t work either.

Okay, the tree is now lying on its side in my living room. I box up the replacement tree, and now the replacement stand, and go back out in search of what should be something quite simple - a stand to hold my artificial tree. I go to Fountains of Wayne - notoriously Xmas - and get the runaround from them - having been informed my tree has been discontinued and there isn’t a stand available any longer. The salesman tells me I have three options - rig a stand to work, buy a new tree, and the third I don’t remember (actually, I had just tuned the man out at that point) - when my son chimed in - I have a fourth - you can stick it up your ass.

Child in tow, we leave Fountains of Wayne and head over to Fairfield Gardens - another notorious Xmas store. I walk in, now fully exasperated, and begin to tell the story of the tree. They tell me to go see the guys over by lighting. I do, they take me right to the stands - and lo and behold - there’s a bevy to choose from. I was thrilled! Gleefully, I choose my stand, pay the nice folks $30, and head back home. We erect the tree again, and re-decorate it.

After several hours, the tree is, once again - a resplendent work of art. All the moreso this time because of the extra attention it necessitated. (To see some select decorations, follow this link - Holiday collection © 2005 dKaye.com.)

Well then, now with the tree up (and other indoor objects as seen in the picture above), we can decorate the patio. Fun with outdoor illumination - should be interesting considering we’ve already overloaded the circuits in the house! Yippee! Stay tuned (whoo-hoo!).

Happy Holidays everyone!