March 31, 2008

Think back a long, long time ago. When we were invited to those dreaded home demo parties. It was all about rubber storage containers, or the million dollar baskets, or how to paint your face in three easy steps (can you say Tammy Faye?).

Before: and After:

Well ladies, welcome to the new Millennium. Nowadays, the parties we’re getting invited to are … shall we say … full of other types of things that we may not necessarily want lying around the house for little Johnny to be playing with.

Let’s look at some of these parties:

The Shock and Awe Taser Party

Or should it be called Girls with Guns? You guys know you’re all hot for a girl with a gun, but will you be so happy about this little prize?

For only $300 ($350 if you want one with a laser beam to make sure you get exactly the spot you’re aiming for) you can have one of these little jewels to carry around with you. It’s so small, it’ll easily fit down in your Botegga bag. And, we can’t forget fashionable of course. It comes in a variety of colors to mix and match with every outfit you have. Think of all the possible uses for it, other than the obvious for self protection, of course. It gives “make them squirm” a whole new meaning.

The Ooh La La Passion Party

Ok, whoever came up with this one was a freaking genius of major proportions. I mean, think about it. What self-respecting female is REALLY gonna go into one of those sleazy porn shops and buy this shit out in the open, setting herself up for some sweaty, 300 pound horny assed bastard to follow her to her car (see taser party above).

Imagine the scenario: Lots and lots of hot, sexy girls, there for one reason. To find a toy (sometime toys) that will be used for what else? Her sexual pleasure, right? To replace the man that has obviously given her nothing in return thus the need for the toy for her own satisfaction.

Ok, sorry to spew my own personal baggage.

Back to the scenario.

All these women, snacking on meatballs and little smoked weenies, drinking sex on the beach and blow jobs, and passing around dildos. Now, what better image can you come up with other than that one? But guys, don’t feel too left out. Nobody was left behind in this school of thought … there’s things for you all too. No longer will you need to get your thrills from gerbils.

So, the next time your significant other breaks a date with you to attend the boys night crotch grabbing, armpit scratching, beerfest basketball game for one of these, hand over all the credit cards. In the end, its a win-win situation.

The Strip-O-Rama Party

Does there really need to be any further explanation? Girls get on your most moving in around outfit you can find and join us as Stripper Sally demonstrates how to shake what your mama gave ya for your partner. She’ll bring the pole, and if you’re lucky, you’ll even get her to use your lap for the experimental lap dance. Ok, sounds a little gay doesn’t it? But in the end, you’ll be dancing like a pro and you’ll find that ain’t no flashlight your baby’s hiding in his britches.

So girls, what are you doing sitting home alone on that Friday/Saturday night? Does this excuse NOT beat the “sorry, I’ve got to wash my hair tonight” lame-o one? Grab the credit card and hoochie yourself up … it’s party time in the big city.

Girlfriend, it’s not about what your mama used to buy anymore!!!

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