March 28, 2008

I remember a time when it was THE thing to have a dress from Chanel or Versace or Wang. Those lovely flowing frocks of silk and satins, full of imported laces and crystal beading. Times have changed and new designers are stepping forward. Let me introduce you to the newest au couture: Philips Electronics. Yep, you don’t have to reread it, I said PHILIPS ELECTRONICS.

What the hell right?

They have designed a dress for the “future woman”. It is a “biometric” dress. What’s that you ask? Some new fancy fabric that’s being produced? The latest style genre? Get this. A biometric dress is made up of two layers. The inner layer has these little sensors (called biometrics … duh) and the outer layer is a textile that has different patterns and is your standard run of the mill electronic store purchased fabric.

This is the dealio though. Scientists have long ago discovered that our bodies show emotions and arousal via our body temperature and our sweat. We get hot our bodies heat up. We are unaroused, our bodies stay cold (you guys are more familiar with that one, right?). With this new dress, the biometrics will be able to decipher your mood and illuminate the fabric and patterns onto said fabric to show which mood you are currently in.

Again, what the hell?

Picture this scenario.

You go out with the girls, all of you sporting these dresses, head to the night club where you stand there stoically, calm and collect. Mr. Knock you off your socks walks up. Ping! Dress turns bright red. Like, yeah, he’s seeing you as an easy mark.

Next scenario.

Mr Dirtbag walks up and won’t leave you alone, you try to be nice and just want him to go away. Ping! Dress turns black. Who’s going to pay for that guy’s mental counseling when all he sees are black dresses all around him?

Final scenario:

That guy you’ve been eyeing on the dance floor, cmon you know the one, the one you only look at from the shoulders down, comes up. Ping! The dress starts flashing like a cheap vegas hotel’s neon marquis. Guess he doesn’t need to know where he’ll be having breakfast the next morning.

I am convinced this dress has been contrived by the minds of men who have lost their sense of security with women. They need that extra dose of validity before they’re able to pursue someone of the opposite sex. They need that little code card that’s given to all men of the future explaining the colors and patterns of THE DRESS and what they mean. What’s our world coming to anyway.

Personally, until they develop some utilitarian garment for men that shows us when they’re paying attention, this dress is staying in the box. I’d rather leave my moods a mystery, thank you very much.

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