February 13, 2008

On this Valentine Eve, a departure from the Hallmark mushy romance, and instead, we offer some practical - and pragmatic - advice for the taking. The following is the first official post by my sister on this blog, but by no means the last. Prolific and sarcastic, you’ll find her posts both thought-provoking and humorous. So, please welcome … Lisa!

When I first decided that being married wasn’t the thing for me anymore, I was a little apprehensive about getting back out there, but also excited at the prospect of meeting new people. I had this preconceived idea in my mind that I was going to get over all my past woes and move on and be happy. Meet new people, have these great adventures, have unadulterated sex and break a few hearts here and there. Things never go as you plan, do they? There’s no doubt I’ve succeeded in accomplishing the above list, but did it make me happy? Hell no.

So I am encouraged to write this blog instead. To find out what it really takes for men and women to enjoy being together. What one has to do to be “happy” with that special person. I think somewhere there is an unwritten rule about dating. I think I am still so new to the “game” that I haven’t figured out what those rules are yet. Since I can’t find that “rulebook” out there, I think I’ll write my own. Here goes. Lisa’s Little Gold-Plated Rules on Relationships.

1. Understand from the get go that women are bitches. We have our moments when we want to be quiet. Observe that and leave us alone so we can do that. It’s not because we’re mad at you that you couldn’t perform last night, or that your socks are still in the same place you left them two days ago, we just need some down time. Stop asking us what’s wrong, or assuming we’re ragged out.
2. We know you guys are dicks. You walk around like peacocks strutting your stuff, making us want you as well as ten other chicks looking in your direction. You get off in wanting to be wanted and your gaze in all directions up, down, back up, is always noticed. There’s nothing wrong in looking, but if you’re fantasizing about a 36DD barbie doll while having sex with me … you may find a new Ken doll taking your place.
3. Understand that women are bitches. Yeah, we like to be told how you feel about us. We want to know you appreciate our efforts when we cook you a meal or plan an event. We want you to call us the next morning and tell us what a great time you had the night before. Don’t gush over us though or we’ll just think you’re a wus … be a manly man when you tell us these things.
4. We know you guys are dicks. Chivalry is NOT dead … let me repeat that … IT IS NOT DEAD. If we have three suitcases in our hands, and need some help, we’ll certainly be glad you take it upon yourself to help us with our load instead of waiting for us to sigh and drop our shit everywhere. If we’re out shopping and our hands are full, you can offer to carry my Victoria’s Secret bag. After all, we buy those things for you guys anyway. And if you want to pick flowers out of my garden and bring them inside with you when you come calling … you go for it.
5. Women are most definitely bitches. We love to talk, and go on and on and on about the most mundane shit. When things aren’t going well in the r’ship, we want to talk about that too. And when you guys clam up and tell us we’re nothing more than drama llamas and knock the shit off, we get pissed off even more, which is only going to cost your ears more “talk time.” Cut us some slack every now and then and hear more than the “blah blah blah” you think we’re saying.
6. Men are major fucking dicks. Why do you think it’s ok to make us wonder what in the hell you’re thinking? You got something to say man, fucking say it. You don’t like something I am doing? Tell me. You want to do something else? Tell me. You don’t want to be with me? You better fucking tell me so you’re not wasting my time. There’s nothing worse than being played, you don’t want it and neither do we. Be a man and say what’s on your mind. It may sting for a second, but trust me, we’ll be cutting your ass down to size with our girlfriends later on while oogling the other guys at the bar.
7. Face it, women will always be bitches. Never ever ever assume with us. Don’t think because we went out last Friday night we’re all of a sudden in a relationship and we’re going out every Friday night from hereon out. Don’t think it’s ok to bring your toothbrush with you on a date just because you got to spend the night the last time we went out. And don’t think for a second that you’re so perfect that you can’t be replaced. Your assumptions will always have repercussions, be forewarned.
8. Men are, and will always be dicks. Why do we have to agree with you? Is having our own opinion a rule against nature? Do you really want some fucking little bimbo being a yes girl on your arm? Oh baby, I love the color camouflage green for my living room, it’s so perfect. Can you gag me now? And preferably not with something that’s still attached to you? You guys put your opinions on us and when we don’t agree, try to convince us that we’re unintelligent or out of sync with the rest of the world. Or worse yet, incompatible. Sometimes, it’s ok to agree to disagree. Learn that, it may help you in the future.

I think this is a good start, perhaps I’ll follow it up in a later blog down the road. Do I sound a little jaded? My viewpoint a little obscured? I’m just trying to figure out if there’s something I’m missing, or what the deal is. Fill me in on what it is, so I can get this whole “game” down a little bit better.

P.S. For your listening pleasure, a little gem of wisdom wrapped up in a song.

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