December 30, 2007

On Friday, I took Nick down to the DMV to get his driver’s permit. I’m not gonna lie - I’m scared shitless just thinking about how he’s going to be driving amidst some of the worst drivers in the U.S. Of the two times I allowed him to practice driving in my truck, he put it in reverse and floored it, and the other time put it in drive and gunned it - killing a cylinder in the process.

Nick had Driver’s Ed last year and, after the 4th try, passed the written test with a score of 94. Naturally, it took him from September to June to do so. Hence the reason I waited several months before taking him for his permit. Being that I don’t have the patience, nerves, nor ambition to teach him to drive - and now confronted with the need for him to learn/practice - I’ve discovered there’s a number of decent (and probably not so decent) driving schools around who can, and provide instructors with not only auxiliary steering wheels and footbrakes, but nerves of steel to boot.

I can just hear Nick in the driver’s seat now and the poor instructor assigned to him:

Nick: That’s *nasty*!
Instructor: Excuse me?
Nick: How cool was that 3-point turn? I made it 5 instead. Aren’t the more points you get the better? Hey, what are you marking on that paper?
Instructor: Son, you may want to ask for a refund, ’cause at the rate you’re going, you’re not gonna pass this course.
Nick: Aw, come on now - don’t be hatin’ on me cuz I’m chill. Check this out - my ‘Shag Wag’ I’m gonna get. Big ol’ van with shag carpet and blacked out windows. Sofabed in the back and a cooler filled with liquid refreshments for my lady friends…
Nick: Whoa, hold on - someone’s texting me.
Instructor: Son, you do realize it’s against the law to use a cell phone while driving. Put the phone away. Please keep your eyes on the road and both hands on the steering wheel. Pay attention to what you’re doing.
Nick: But I am - just let me text my friend that I’m driving now…
Instructor: Son, I said PUT THE PHONE AWAY.
Nick: (as he sends a text) Alright, alright! I’m done now, okay?! Relax man. Calm yourself!
Instructor: Drive me back to the school - we’re through here (as he marks a big FAILED on his paper).
Nick: Oh, my mom’s not gonna be happy ’bout this.

Well, Nick has seven months to master the roads before his scheduled driving test in July. I have great faith that, in the coming months, he’ll become a good driver. At least good enough to get a license in the great state of New Jersey. Then he can ride amongst the roadnecks and meanderthals that comprise the majority of drivers in this overcrowded state. Sadly for him, it’ll be provisional (heh heh) - which means it’s not valid out of state until he’s 21 (unless a fully ripened driver is in the car, too).

So much for that road trip next year.

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