November 3, 2007

I love my son, really I do. Nick’s everything one could ask for in a child - handsome, smart, funny, charming, considerate. And if it weren’t for the fact that he pees standing up, he’d probably be the perfect specimen. But, alas, that testosterone coursing through his male frame stereotypes him as the gender who can only do one thing - successfully - at a time. Hitting the inside of the toilet is not one of those things. Cleaning up after himself isn’t his strong point, either, and we’ve wagered many a battle over his messes.

Call me selfish, but there are certain areas in my house that I’m not willing to share. My bathroom tops that list. Long ago, it became off-limits to anyone who pees standing up! No properly bred Southern woman should ever be confronted with toilet seat “puddles.” Thus, I’ve always had at least a 2-bathroom house with a Mens’ Room and a Ladies’ Room.

Mind you, the Mens’ Room usually smells and looks like Grand Central Station ’cause I absolutely refuse to go in there. I’ve put up condemned signs on it many a time, and given Nick bio-masks and heavy duty cleaners to scour it. A couple of times I’ve gotten pissed off enough that I took the shower spray and soaked the entire bathroom, and then sent him to clean it up. You’d think he’d be embarrassed to have his (male) friends over - who are relegated to using his bathroom. Surprisingly, doesn’t faze them a bit. Go figure!

In another couple of years, Nick will probably be in his own place. I’m thinking for a housewarming gift I’ll get him a cleaning service for the first year. After that, he’s on his own - unless a “lady friend” offers to clean up after him. And, if she does - she’s gonna be a keeper! (heh-heh.)

Well, to wrap this up, a cute joke that explains it all…

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn’t quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

“It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it.”

Well, Adam was so excited he jumped up and down and begged, “Oh, please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!” On and on he went like a happy little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so thrilled he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left. “What’s it called?” asked Eve.

“Brains”, said God.

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